Hi Angel Baby!
Welp, today was my final day of radiation treatments. It feels momentous and inconsequential at the same time. I know it is significant, or I wouldn’t have needed to have the radiation. But it has felt a little otherworldly, these last 4 weeks. Like it’s not really me participating, maybe that’s exactly it! I haven’t really participated. I’ve been a passive traveler on this journey, captained by someone else.
For me, it been a bit of a disconnect. Have a radiation treatment, clean a window. Have a radiation treatment, go on a family camp out. Have a radiation treatment, revise a checklist for work. Have a radiation treatment, clean a window. Have a radiation treatment, recoup Lacey from knee surgery. Have a radiation treatment, clean a window. Have a radiation treatment, attend a tea party. Have a radiation treatment, find your Dad in the ER. Have a radiation treatment, give him a bed bath, avoiding the chest tube. Have a radiation treatment, figure out why Mia doesn’t feel good. Have a radiation treatment, bring your broken and bruised Daddy home. Finish radiation, make dinner.
And somehow, it’s finished, I still have 2 windows to clean, Lacey is better but Mia has a tummy ache and your Dad gets to have a regular shower tomorrow with weeks of recovery still ahead.
Sweetheart, I can’t get you out of my head. I don’t remember any of your treatment as inconsequential. Even though there often was a similar swing. Chemo-laundry. Chemo-walk the dogs. Chemo-dinner in the corner of a restaurant away from kids. Chemo-shopping, online and in the store. Chemo-friend’s weddings and babies. Chemo-a train ride.
And still, all this time later, I come to wishing. I wish you had been able to focus outside your treatment, because it was so small. You absolutely noticed and focused on others, but it was through sheer force of will, because your treatment was big and long. I wish you had a short course. I only needed 4 weeks of radiation. So many need so much more. I wish you were still here to worry about your dog, help me make dinner, and watch your Daddy with love in your eyes as he does his best to do as much for himself as is possible.
Jen, I miss you so much. I’m sorry your journey was monumental and I’m very sorry for myself that it ended with your Angel wings. I not sad about that for you, but I’m still VERY sad about that for me.
And yet I am so thankful. Thankful for only 4 weeks of radiation. Thankful for Lavender/Patchouli/Helichrysum/Frankincense followed by Aquaphor, as I had almost no skin irritation from the radiation. For once, I am thankful I am someone who resonates at a lower energy frequency, as the fatigue of radiation seems very small. I am thankful for sisters, family, friends who have checked in with me, asked after me, allowed me to ask after them, and for the couple I’ve whined to, since we all need that sometimes. I’m thankful your Dad wants to take care of me, even though He’s doing good to do some for himself right now. I’m thankful for your brother, who is so busy, but wants to mow my lawn, hoping he can come for a hug soon. I’m thankful for the quiet moments that radiation treatment enforced; 2 minutes to think, to breathe, to pray. And Sweetheart, I’m thankful I found a new view into what you faced, alone, but not by yourself. It will help me to understand, as I connect with people along my path who are facing hard things.
As always, I love you with every breath I take. I will try to take some deep ones every day.
ILYEM!!
Conversing with my Kids 